This article arose from a Share and Tell session at YM 2024 in Adelaide, where over 20 people joined me in a talk and discussion on ways of resolving conflict.

In my early years I was part of the community known as the Congregational Church, a Christian denomination based on the tradition of the Pilgrim Fathers who sought religious freedom by moving from Europe to North America. In Australia, the church became part of the Uniting Church of Australia some years after I left it to join the Quakers. I was inspired by a hymn we used to sing from the Congregational tradition which had the following words “We limit not the truth of God to our poor reach of mind, by notions of our day and sect – crude, partial and confined; No, let a new and better hope within our hearts be stirred, the Lord hath yet more light and truth to break forth from his Word”.

This gave me a strong leading towards discerning ongoing revelation of truth and a commitment to work for a better world. Upon joining the Quakers in my twenties I found the emphasis on outward action arising from inner reflection exactly what I needed. Over the years it has led me to look for openings for dialogue and questioning to enhance my understanding of people and situations.

I was fortunate to be mentored by several people in facilitating gatherings to focus on current social and personal issues – through Australian Frontier, Lifeline, and Quakers. As a result I learned more about being open to listening better and seeking ways to resolve difficulties without violence. I joined with others to form a new organization, the Conflict Resolution Service in Canberra, a mediation agency that trained volunteers to provide a voluntary space for those in conflict to meet with a “third party” to talk about their stories and perspectives using a process designed to move from the past through the present to the future. This service broadened from helping neighbours to supporting families, businesses, Public Service departments, workers, and community groups. This included occasional “community meetings” on local concerns such as town planning, the needs of young people, and ways to support those with disabilities. Government funding ensured the viability of the service, which continues today after 35 years. The success of the mediation work (averaging over 80% positive outcomes) depended upon thorough training of mediators, effective intake of clients to ensure their situation would benefit from our intervention, and debriefing and feedback for mediators and staff.

In more recent years I have moved into the area of “restorative practice” which arose as a way to enable those causing harm to others to meet with those affected by that harm, with a view to “restoring” the relationship or situation. For me this began by using my mediation skills to convene family conferences involving young people who had offended in some way (e.g. minor stealing, doing damage to property). The police would refer the young person for a conference if the young person admitted the offence. My job was to speak with the offender and victims and their support family or group, bring them together using a process similar to mediation to allow everyone to be heard and then to design an outcome that would be consistent with the harm caused. Restorative justice and practice are now widely used for all types of offences including violent offences,  and all States and Territories have programs to make such “interventions” and keep people away from the court system where possible. This is part of a growing awareness that using harsh legal sanctions, especially against young people and those caught up in ongoing criminal activity, reinforces negative attitudes within the community and sets up ongoing social and personal problems. Many schools are now using restorative approaches to build an environment of peacemaking in the classroom and the playground.

Looking at the wider national and international scene, there are increasing tendencies towards seeing conflicts as “intractable” and requiring hard-line responses, leading to violence and war on a scale at odds with the democratic and compassionate values we claim to embed in our lives individually and collectively. This is reflected in the distortion of budgets towards law “enforcement” and “military strength” rather than alternative restorative approaches and diplomatic skills. We as a colonialist culture are not learning enough about the traditional ways Indigenous groups have used methods of listening and sharing effectively to deal with conflicts.  I have found that working as a “third party” in enabling others to meet and work through their disputes has required me to be more reflective and silent, allowing the process and the inner strengths of the participants to make progress towards workable solutions. Time is needed for such an approach, to ensure that those involved are able to explore what has happened and then look for ways forward that are respectful and viable. I encourage everyone to look for opportunities to calm rather than escalate situations of disagreement and conflict, to use more open questions rather than challenges to those with whom we disagree or disapprove. Being “curious” rather than judgemental towards others improves the chances of building peaceful relationships at all levels. As a wise Quaker I knew observed, it is better to treat an “enemy” as a “stranger” in order to bridge the gap between both and create the potential for becoming friends.