When attenders choose not to be members: some thoughts

Attenders are seekers who come to the Meeting and stay. Regular attenders significantly enrich fellowship. So why become a member? And why offer membership? A member is a seeker has gone through a process amongst Friends to recognise their commitment to and alignment with Quakerism, and to recognise their promise to care for and uphold the meeting, and just as importantly, to be willing to receive the meeting’s care too.  It is a covenant, not a contract. A spiritual seeker has much to discover about themselves and Friends by embarking on a membership application, as does the Meeting itself through thoughtfully considering it.

But before that, the decision not to enter membership is worthy of close examination by us all.

There may be an attender’s hesitation, or delay, or conviction, as to why not proceed. Reasons for not yet committing and becoming a member – with all the declared and covenanted responsibilities – is part of their spiritual journey: important, worthy of respect and deserving of our attentive, and loving listening.

So here is my experience of why attenders do not apply for membership. What do you think? I’ve included some conversation starters/Queries within each of my reflections, for you to consider.

It is not yet time

Given a Quaker meeting for worship is often wordless, creedless, and can even appear sometimes directionless, our lightly expressed theology leaves a lot for any seeker to decode. There is the Quaker joke: “we don’t have rules, but if you break them, we’ll let you know!”  But being told after the event is a poor second to regularly offering Quaker learning within the meeting, drawing a seeker’s attention to online opportunities, or possibilities – for example – at Silver Wattle Quaker Retreat Centre.

So much to learn!  It takes time. Seekers may also find it helpful to have some tips as to how to use the hour’s silence: to know about expectant waiting; to have a gathered meeting identified; to notice the initial physiological relaxation that can come with an hour’s silence, and then the spiritual rising that may follow it over time. These are things worth reflecting on. How can attenders deepen their understanding?

They aren’t asked

So, an attender may not have applied for membership because they are still absorbing the processes. But sometimes Friends leave it too long. Leave the application question even longer, and it seems almost unnecessary, if not embarrassing, to invite a seasoned attender to consider membership.  But this means the long term attender will miss out on the process, and so too the Friends who would have visited the applicant perhaps several times, engaging in close personal and spiritual levels of conversation.  If nothing else, the membership process is an opportunity to give an attender practice at reflecting and conversing on their own spiritual biography, a practice long recommended for all of us, by Friends.  It is never too late to start such an overdue process: but what has stopped the Meeting from doing so sooner, and who else is being overlooked? These are questions that belong to Friends, not the attenders!

A stop in their mind

Sometimes there is a stop in the attender’s mind. They might have a doctrinal dispute that they cannot shift.  There may be some key aspect of their life that does not fit well. They may claim they are not “good enough.” These and other reasons or misconceptions for not joining are grounds for a rich conversation, valuable “spiritual opportunities” for both attender and member.   The value of this is irrespective of whether the dialogue leads an attender towards applying for membership: the conversation inherently brings insights to all.

Hurt: past religious abuse

An attender’s prior experience of a religious organization may have been quite damaging. They seek sanctuary amongst us. They may begin wary of subjecting themselves to the “discipline” of our ways. We do not have bishops or any obvious hierarchy, but we do gently guide and assist each other.  Openness to each other in this way, as lightly as it is ever exercised, is a hallmark and hidden benefit of Quaker membership, even if it goes against the individuality of our times. This lightness of touch may be so gentle that many Friends may forget it is there over a lifetime.  But an attender may be wary indeed of any religious authority “over” them. Any hint of an attender’s loss of autonomy may seem too much for them. That’s why time may explain Quaker ways better than any spoken reassurances. Does your meeting ensure there are those willing to have conversations with attenders to understand their spiritual journey better?

Fear of commitment

An attender may not regard themselves a “joiner.”  Contemporary society gives us a context where many are wary of joining anything. People will come to an event, but not join a committee. Friends themselves are on the very edge of organised religion: so it should be no surprise that we attract people who sit on the grey boundaries of scepticism, wary of organisation, while drawn to the openness of Quaker beliefs.

While we may be a last outpost, Quakers still hold to the necessity of organisation. George Fox and Margaret Fell saw this clearly. Community is integral to the development of our spiritual natures and outward activities. We have chosen to be a religious “society” not by mistake, or unconsidered habit, but by spiritual guidance from early Quakers, who saw community as a gift to our individual spiritual evolution. Community has kept the door open to the seeker for centuries now.

Is there a space prepared for the seeker to uncover their wish to join, and learn the advantages of service to others and the inner growth that comes from commitment?

Cultural constraints: individualism

Organisational research reveals that Anglophone countries are the most highly individuated societies anywhere on the planet. This sensitivity for self over group means our society has less practice in cooperative discernment, even when more horizontal, democratic forms operate.

And are our business meetings explicable for inquiring attenders? If not, what can make them more so? Can we ensure an attender at a meeting has a guide to help them understand that rarest of meeting processes, the “sense of the meeting”?

Friends’ organisational dynamics make a unique contribution to group decisionmaking, which brings individual and group discernment together.  An attender who is not ready for this process might be encouraged to come to more business meetings to witness for themselves. Does your meeting encourage and assist attendance at meetings for worship for business?

Cultural constraints: diversity

Will an attender from a culturally diverse background feel they belong? That is to say – are attenders who do not have an English, Welsh, Scottish, Canadian or US heritage recognise that our Religious Society both believes in equality, and respects the participation of people of colour?

The question of service

Community can seem to flow of its own accord: someone organises a rented room for a new Meeting, someone else fixes the hot water system in the old Meeting; someone brings a packet of biscuits shared after worship, another who opens and locks up; now and then a few stay behind to make a few decisions for the meeting. Things just happen! Until one day a legal, financial, social or spiritual challenge comes, or perhaps collides, with profound and painful complications. This spiritual upheaval may come disguised as a leaky roof, or managing a vivid personality amongst the meeting, or a crisis in pastoral care

Working within limitations, members have promised to do their bit to keep everything going, not provisionally week to week, or even year to year, but a lifetime commitment. It adds up to the declared willingness to serve the needs of the meeting. This includes financial support, according to the member’s needs.

We think sometimes that the extent of service needed – the fact there is so much to do – might frighten attenders away from making a firm commitment. But in the cases where the opposite is true – that is where you may find your members! Is someone applying to membership aware of the value of and necessity of this commitment, and your willingness for them to potentially join the fellowship of care?

Pride

Does pride play a role in inhibiting membership?  It takes a level of humility to freely subject oneself to the shared self-discipline of the organization, to be a part of that body, and financially support and accept the help and guidance of others.

Pride is a complex human experience. We can see the value of taking pride in our work, even to aspects of our appearance and hygiene, but too much of it can separate ourselves from the community. Sometimes the silence works better than moral judgement. Because members can have pride, too. Are we too proud to invite attenders to join us?

Breaking through

And then an attender asks to join. Perhaps the attender can no longer not apply. They recognise their home. They want to declare their connection to others – and also themselves.

The membership process helps an attender reflect on, own and consolidate their spiritual journeying. Such intention can explore any residual fear of commitment, or inhibiting pride: a declared boundary which creates a space for new growth. It challenges the Friends visiting the member to reflect on their own journey, too. It is a process of mutual enrichment.

Like any threshold, something is left behind: perhaps a notion of freedom long clung to. But also something rejuvenating is encountered: a space to be the next stage of growth – committing to this fellowship of peers, indefinitely. This is a different kind of freedom. By finding a home, or base camp at least, the spiritual seeker/then attender/now member creates a place in which spiritual belief, faith, practice, and shared holding will occur, and grow in meaning, both communally and deeply within. Trust has its risks, but its benefits too. And by moving towards the group, a paradox emerges: their spiritual individuality is articulated, and enhanced, not necessarily reduced.

And this attender looking to cross a threshold is a mirror to the Meeting, which might see itself reflected in every application: who are we? What do we stand for? How do we show it in the world? How do we hold each other accountable, and loving, and truthful? And how do we care for and share with this new Friend amongst us, for the rest of our lives?